A True Story

Bagholder wonders if this is how it went down

    You are the owner of a very successful company in a lucrative, but cutthroat business. One day, while sitting in the office the door swings open, and in walk 3 guys. Two of them, muscular types wearing nice suits and designer sunglasses, quietly stand like pillars on either side of the door, with their arms crossed. The third guy walks over sits down across from your desk. He reminds you of a lot of this guy:

  He lights up a cigar, looks at you, and says: “This looks like a really nice business you have here, lots of customers, warehouse full of product, all the employees look busy….you must be making a lot of money here”

You respond: “we do all right, keeping the bills paid, and…”

He interrupts: “Come on now! We know you are doing better than all right. Look. The reason for my visit today, is just to remind you, how it would be a real…. shame.... for everyone involved, if anything were to happen to this business.”

You ask: “what could happen?”

He says: ”Well you know, sometimes business licenses can get revoked for no reason…and uh.. let’s be honest here, this isn’t the best neighborhood, businesses burn to the ground in the middle of the night, all the time….and then just the other day I saw a story of a CEO who caught a stray bullet between the eyes while sipping his morning coffee. Fortunately for you though, I happen to be in the insurance business.”

The pressure of the moment is starting to weigh, as you realize these guys are here to extort you. Glancing over at his two lackeys, who look ready to pounce on anything which moves the wrong way, you start grasping at straws by saying: “I already have insurance”

He smiles, waves his finger, and says: “not the kind of insurance I’m offering…My policy, makes sure your business, continues to run smoothly, without interruption, allowing you, to sip your morning coffee, in peace. Besides, relatively speaking, the cost is minimal.”

You ask ”how much?”

He responds: “that’s the thing, I have this kid I’m trying to help out. He has a good heart, but he is a drug addled sex addict, and has a few other issues not worth mentioning - but we feel a steady paycheck, is just what this kid needs to turn the corner, and get on the road to recovery. So we want you, to hire him.”

Grasping at yet another straw you say: “I don’t really have any work for someone with that particular resume”

He lights up and says: “That’s perfect!!  He is not much of a worker anyway. So, I will keep him out of your hair, and only send him by every other Friday for his paycheck. Also, be aware, he is not much for paperwork either, you know … taxes and all. So we are going to need you, to turn his paycheck into cash, for him. Just put that cash inside a brown paper bag, it’s easier for him, and we can get your policy started, immediately”

Realizing you do not have much in the way of options, business is good and you would like to keep it that way, you reluctantly agree by saying: “well, I guess I’ll take the insurance policy after all.”

He says: “yes of course you will, but first I am going to need one last thing. Seeing as how I am the guy who is making everyone happy here - giving you the insurance you need, and getting this kid the paycheck he needs - it only seems fair, I get a taste. So go ahead and add an extra 10% to this kid’s paycheck, and I will get it from him.”

You sheepishly nod and respond: “of course, what’s the name of the kid picking up the paycheck? and I don’t believe I got yours either”

He stands up, straightens out his suit coat, takes a drag off his cigar, exhales a perfect smoke ring, and says with a grin: “Yeah, almost forgot, let’s just call him Bunter Hiden, and you can call me, the Big Guy.”