Au Revoir, Gopher

What Carl Spackler can teach the world about Mid-East Peace

Okay, I guess we’re playin' for keeps now! I guess the kidding around is pretty much over!

- Carl Spackler

   Open war is upon us, at Chateau Bag.  A couple of years ago, the local rodent population raided one of our fruit trees. Casualties included about  1/2 of our pomegranates. So last year, in preparation for the harvest, we bought poison pellets and laid them out, expecting it would resolve the issue. To our shock, the rodents weren’t fazed at all; in fact, they wiped out all of our pomegranates and widened their assault to include most of the orange & grapefruit production. No more half-measures this year. We bought glue traps, about 1/2 dozen CO2-powered cartridge traps; all slathered in extra chunky peanut butter, and, if needed, pellet guns complete with thermal imaging night vision infrared scopes. Shit is about to get real. Mrs Bag & myself didn’t want this war, but we recognize that being dragged into war means being in it, to win.

   Bag is well aware that historically speaking, war only ends one way … with complete and total elimination of one side. When Carthage attacked the Roman Empire, Rome didn’t just defeat them and send them home with their tail between their legs. No. They enslaved their men, raped their women, and starved their population by laying siege to their capital for years. When the Romans were done, there was no more Carthage, and, more importantly, no more war. Carthage paid what had always been the going price for war - extinction.

  The historical price for engaging in war was again on display when the Japanese decided to drag the US into WWII by bombing Pearl Harbor. The ultimate US response to that aggression was evaporating Hiroshima and Nagasaki with atomic bombs. After watching two of their cities get wiped off the face of the Earth, the Japanese acknowledged they no longer wanted to pay the price war demanded. As a result, they immediately, and unconditionally surrendered. There has been peace between us ever since.

   It is no coincidence that since WW2  ended, Japan has not been involved in a single war, while the US has been engaged in near-perpetual war. The reason can be found in a fundamental law of Economics, which states that: when you lower the price to be paid of anything, people will use more of it, and conversely, raising the price will result in people using less. For example, if Ben & Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia” ice cream were a nickel a gallon, Bag would weigh 300 pounds. If instead, Ben & Jerry were charging $500 a gallon, Bag would go without. In short, price will control behavior. Raise the price of anything high enough, and eventually, everyone will stop using it. War and unprovoked aggression is no exception. For Japan, that high price has kept them a peaceful nation for the last 80 years.

   In sharp contrast, the US is continually involved in multiple wars because the historical cost of losing a war (extinction) is never on the table. If losing the (Vietnam, Iraq, Korea, Afghanistan, Ukraine, etc…) war meant the end of our civilization, we never would have stepped foot in any of those places. The cost of war for the US has been lowered significantly to just troops from the peasant class and some freshly printed $100 bills to further enrich the aggression defense industry. As a direct result of the lower cost of aggression, we here in the US, get constant war.

  The latest attack on Israel by the Palestinians on 10/7 is not an isolated incident. In the last 50 years, there have literally been HUNDREDS of Palestinian attacks on Israel with everything from snipers, to missiles, to troops, to suicide bombers, and now drones. These aggressive assaults have been occurring with regularity for generations. As far back as Bag can remember, after every one of those attacks, including this one, the 24/7 news cycle shows world leaders imploring/begging Israel to use restraint in its response. Israel has always obliged. The problem is, that the exercising of restraint has, in effect, lowered the cost of war for Palestine to a level they are obviously willing to pay.

   If history is any indication, There is only one path to peace in the Middle East. Only one way to end this eternal war. The price to be paid for engaging in war must include complete annihilation for the loser. If those are not the stakes, there will be no end to this war. Bag would suggest no more half-measures of restraint, just rip the bandaid off.  The Gaza Strip should be turned into a parking lot, immediately. Israel, if they set their mind to it, could accomplish it in a week, ten days max. Admittedly, the other Arab countries are not going to like that. But the truth is they will accept it and live with it once they realize aggression against Israel has been re-priced as an extinction-level event.

  But Bag…. what about the millions of Palestinian citizens whose lives would be lost if Israel gave them the full war machine experience? Bag would say they have nobody to blame but themselves. Their “homeland” has been in the crosshairs for decades. Anywhere along the line, they could have moved. Instead, their hatred, entitlement, and holier-than-thou religious beliefs have kept them living at ground zero in squalor and desolation for decades. Bag has been there and seen it with his own eyes; consequently, he has no sympathy for people who choose to keep themselves in danger. Just as there is a price to be paid for war, there is a price to be paid for prioritizing self-righteous religious hatred over living a peaceful life outside a war zone.

   The choice for Israel, like the choice for the Bag household, could not be more straightforward. We can go with half measures, leading to store-bought fruit and more war … or … Complete annihilation, leading to fresh fruit and peace.

Sign Bag up for the latter.