Identity Crisis

“Materialistic Americans, always counting your pawns.”

— Chess Grandmaster Igor Ivanov

Ask yourself this question:

WHO AM I?

It should be an easy one to answer. We’ve had our whole lives to think about it. Most of us will quickly reach for a neatly pre-packaged identity like a parent, a student, an athlete, a writer, a lawyer, etc… often attaching adjectives like: ambitious, creative, loyal, educated, introverted, etc… We speak and think in roles and traits as though they fully define us, rarely stopping to question where did these identities come from? It is not uncommon to hear a world-class athlete claim they recognized at a young age they were gifted, a writer knew early they had a way with words, or an engineer had a knack for numbers. It’s as if their identities chose them; all that was needed was for them to discover it. The only problem is any psychologist worth their salt would tell you: Identity isn’t something to be discovered - it’s to be constructed. This essay hopes to shed some light on the following:

Who, exactly, is doing the construction?

Building an identity starts at birth, as the world immediately begins shaping your sense of self. We learn quickly what's praised, what's punished, what gets attention, and what gets love, constantly adjusting our behavior accordingly. Our evolutionary cave-man instincts drive us towards becoming what's accepted. A good child, a bright student, a hard worker. One of the tribe. The serious construction programming begins upon entry to the school system, which isn’t there to educate, but rather to familiarize us all with the blunt force ways of institution. In true “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” fashion, little by little, with bite-sized morsels of slippery slope, the individual you is eaten away by the system, ground into something society finds more useful, submissive, and productive. Capacity for independent thought is gradually replaced with a more easily controlled, often pharmaceutical-laden, hive-mind. Constructing identities for each of us as obedient worker bees allows the ruling class to harvest our labor, without a second thought from us. The needs of the ruling class, you see, always outweigh the needs of the individual.

The fingerprints of the architects constructing our identities are everywhere you look. Social media, schools, advertising, Hollywood don't just reflect who you are. They tell you who you should be. And like a dutiful member of the tribe, we willingly submit. We speak a certain way, follow certain trends, and hang with certain crowds. We wear clothes not just to stay warm, but to make a statement about ourselves. We buy iPhones, Rolexes, Gucci purses, designer coffee, not for function, but for identity. Are we so far gone as a society that we fail to recognize that materialism is no path to happiness, but rather a giant, self-aggrandizing, vicious circle of negative reinforcement? ……Look at me - I’ve got the latest Tesla! ….. Whether you realize it or not, our egos are constantly announcing to the world, “This is who I am.”

We are conditioned early to chase attaboys, good grades, job promotions, more money, and on & on… Over time, we willingly trade away our personal sovereignty as the chase itself becomes our reality. It’s all about the journey, right? From the moment we wake each day, like dogs chasing their tail, our minds race through emails to be sent, phone calls to return, tasks to check off, places to go, and people to see. And so we buy day-planners, laptops, online courses - we move faster, hustle harder, and work multiple gigs, believing one more achievement will finally unlock some inner peace. Sadly, that peace never comes, because by design, the goal posts are always moving. Even leisure has been hijacked by to-dos & agendas. Reading a book? Better make it a self-help book. Going for a walk? Better monitor your heart and track your steps.

Nobody is to blame, it’s all part of our consumer-culture conditioning. We see our identity as a brand. A product to be polished, marketed, and liked. In a world driven by algorithms, our sense of self - our identity - becomes content. Every photo, every status update, every routine task, and every text is just part of the show. We are not living, we are curating a narrative. But what happens when the performance becomes the reality? We play the role so well for so long - that we forget who we are, and a chasm grows between who we THINK we are, and WHAT we truly are.

To help bridge that chasm, we turn to the Buddhists. Their central tenet is the idea that: to not want is to be. They teach that only by looking inward and creating a “state of mindfulness” can we live in the present, see reality as it is, construct an identity, and grow spiritually. We here at mytwocent$ are all in on the Buddhist approach to looking inward to build an identity. The problem society faces today is when people look inward, what they see does not match their assigned, materialistic, wage-slave identity. And so most folks refuse to look inward, shunning growth, and choosing instead to live in denial about their true identity. Bagholder believes that to get humanity to do the required soul-searching, and back on the path to spiritual awakening, it is going to take some pain.

The etymology of the word pain is interesting. Its Greek and Latin roots mean the cost to “Pay-in.” With payment comes information, and ultimately, the opportunity to grow. The source of the pain could be anything. Financial ruin, loss of a loved one, a cancer diagnosis, etc. They are all equally effective at laying bare reality and hyper-focusing the mind in the present by stripping away pretense, delusion, and all that is false. While it is never personal, pain can seem individualized, specifically tailored to leverage the fears residing in the deepest crevices of our soul. When pain is brought to bear, who we might think we are, or who we purport to be, quickly gives way to who we really are. This makes pain the most profound teacher life has to offer, and the ideal tool to wake up those who are sleepwalking through life.

Here's an unsettling truth. Most people never meet their true selves. They live and die inside roles crafted for them by people they have never met. All the while, confusing who they are with what they've been told to be. Every now and then, maybe during a brief moment of solitude, or perhaps in the middle of a breakdown, the facade slips and there is a fleeting glimpse of something raw. Something unpolished. A version of you, the one beneath the surface that doesn't need to do, to serve, to impress, or prove, that's the real you. That you is the one from whom identity must be drawn. It doesn't mean you must reject every role you've taken on. Some identities serve a purpose, but when they start to silence your deep inner voice, recognize that your true identity is being replaced. That's the very moment when it's time to ask:

"WHO AM I?”

Answering that question may require taking the Buddhist path and sitting in silence with no distractions, asking yourself, "If no one was watching, what would I still care about? What would I stop doing, or start doing?” That internal conversation is where your real identity lives. Not in your job title, not in what other people think of you, not the bio on your Facebook page - but in the quiet knowing that you're more than the roles you play. True Identity springs from values. Societal architects are quick to equate our value with what we produce. More doing equals more value. We are what we do, they say. Regrettably, it is we who choose to internalize that falsehood. Somewhere along the line, we have forgotten how to exist without an agenda. If nothing else gets taken from this essay today, take this: Real value is not found in the DOING, it’s in the BEING.

Of course, this is in direct opposition to our modern-day corporate-driven materialistic culture. Even the poorest among us, with their iPhones, fast food, air conditioning, internet, streaming services, etc., have a far better lifestyle than any King of Rome. And yet, half the population is on some kind of antidepressant, because so few realize they were never meant to spend every waking hour worried about what others think and curating their brand. The most liberating journey you'll ever take is the one back to your “present” self. Learn to leave the past where it is, live in the now - and just BE. The next time your mind whispers, "You're not doing enough" take a moment to step off the hamster wheel, be present in that moment, and recognize the fact - that the world didn’t end.

For those who made it this far, here is a link to one of my most popular essays with more detail on the psychological Chasm mentioned in today’s article.